PAIN is the manifestation of change. As someone suffering from two autoimmune diseases: Ulcerative Colitis and Enteropathic Arthritis, I have dealt with pain and discomfort throughout my life. Pain has the ability to force change and movement. There are usually two destinations of this movement: light and darkness. Pain can be the result of an action or inaction. It can be physical or psychological or both. After almost 20 years, I learned there is beauty in pain. It has the ability to break down the most harden emotional walls or fortify them. It pushes and pulls in ways that can change every part of your being and consciousness. It is as much apart of life as breathing. I spent so much of my life trying to run from something so necessary and yet so wonderful. Currently, I am experiencing a cycle of physical pain which has lasted a bit longer than I expected but something unexpected happened…I am happy!
Having a long term chronic illness is a interesting experience. Most television shows and movies are littered with struggles, tears, and losses about this experience. However, those are only a few screenshots of the complex experience of living with physical pain. Like physical strength, mental strength can get “out of shape”; youth and inexperience has a way of rebounding life’s pain faster with emotional and mental struggles as well. As I’ve got older and after each illness bout I was having a harder time getting out of those dark emotional places, and as my body recovered slower and slower with each year, so did my mind and soul. I let outside voices dictate my worth and value, and I would ridicule and chastise myself for not being “strong enough” or “fighting harder”. I believed I was weak and helpless and I believed them. So the pendulum swung the other way; I was going to be the “strongest” and I didn’t need anyone’s help, or a “handout”. Yet in both scenarios I was falling further into the darkness of life.
Then I decided I had enough of hearing other people’s voices and insecurities masked as “advice” and “constructive criticism”. So I started to write again; not for posterity, not for people, but for me. Just ME! It was exhilarating, almost euphoric. It was not a diary or a journal, it was words on paper. It was MY words, MY voice, MY thoughts, and MY feelings. I made a few simple rules: Nothing negative, no wallowing, and it had to be MY truth. I still write in it today, almost everyday. There are no judgments and no criticisms, just me!
Freedom is not painless, freedom is difficult; however freedom is truth WITHOUT shackles. I realized my mind and soul needs limitless space and when someone else or I tries to imprison them they fight back. Our minds and souls need truth in light, so we can be free. Pain is a part of my life. Learning to live my life in the light has allowed me to experience the BEST side of pain, joy, sadness, hopefulness, love, and everything in between. I stopped running towards the darkness and I started living in MY freedom. What activities bring you happiness and peace? How do you cope with struggles in your life? Please like, comment, and follow. Love you.
Let the sunshine in and live a delightful life!