Small emotional victories remind me I’m moving my heart in the right direction towards peace. Most of my recent medical and hospital encounters have been a bit difficult to deal with to a certain extent. But after looking inward, I realized a sizable portion of my issues were based in my fear. I had gotten my feelings hurt so many times and decided to go on the offense. Sometimes, fear can be a good momentary motivator towards better treatment on certain occasions, but never long term. So, I started changing my attitude. I started reading more. I started writing more. But by far, growing plants and vegetables changed my attitude the most. I live in an apartment and indoor gardening has become a wonderful therapeutic hobby. My basil, mint, thyme, dill, and cilantro are wonderful, and it’s nothing better than making homemade marinara sauce, pickles, or adding homegrown herbs to a salad. YUMMY! I mean so good, like WOW!
Growing plants and especially food has taught me the value of patience and focus. I’ve always wanted to be self reliant and not solely dependent on grocery stores. So over the last few years I learned how to grow food, make preserves, jerky, dehydrated food, and butter. It has been amazing! While learning and seeing my results, I started to earn my confidence back. Yes, earn! When people get hurt, they have a tendency to lose trust in others, but they lose the most trust in themselves. They second guess their ability to discern who they allow in their lives and if they are making good decisions. I was no different, I’ve had to prove to myself I was trustworthy and the only way that happened is when I worked and earned it. Learning to trust yourself is, in some ways, harder then learning to trust others. You have to forgive yourself and you can’t lie to yourself if you make bad choices. Humanity is such a complicated experience. As I’ve gotten older and gained wisdom, I began to understand why enlightenment is the aspiration of so many people. Enlightenment requires work, the kind of work that is not taught in many western religions, in my opinion. I had to relearn how to be disciplined and confident. But being confident in my homemaker abilities made me realized I was still in a major state of fear in other areas of my life.
Writing, as well as gardening, gave me an outlet to practice how to be the person I wanted to be. Happy, funny, peaceful, forgiving and positive. I am learning to enjoy my life again. So recently when my doctor’s office cancelled my appointment I took a deep breathe and said it’s ok. She called me back to say that my appointment was moved from June to April. This experience made me realized in a small way I am going in the right direction. Bad things happen and I will be ok in spite of them. When I was a child my mother would say “you will be ok, in spite of me” and I’ve adopted this with a alight modification: I will be ok, in spite of myself and circumstances. I don’t need to wallow or punish myself. This world is filled with constant fear mongers, predators, and other terrible things. Some things must be dealt with and others can be ignored. But my mind and heart will remain at peace in spite of my circumstance. I like to believe God has entrusted me with being the keeper and nurturer of my soul, and I always work to make sure fear is not allowed the reside within that scared place.
What positive experiences have you had in your life that made stop and say “thank you”? Please like, share, comment, and follow.
Let the sunshine in and live a delightful life.